i guess ill start with the week long fling. She had a multiple names first name so even by the end i dont think i’d said her name to her face. Saying the whole thing felt like it was doing too much but then i couldn’t decide which name to use (and she covinently said she didn’t care) so i just panicked every time i had to refer to her. so yeah like. i couldnt even bring myself to say her name so like it makes sense it was doomed from the start lol. i kinda knew the whole time that it wasn’t going to have a fruitful outcome because she is graduating in literally like 6 days or something and is going to take off into the world while i am very much still a hostage of westwood village farting around enjoying my last year of shits and giggles.
we had like one real date and it was a vibe as fuck and then we just hung out/saw each other around the other days of the week bc we were both so busy. for the real date we went to silverlake and got azizam and then cafe memes (only after did i realize i’ve done that exact same lineup of resturant/cafe with another girl i used to go on dates with... im sorry AM i promise you made it the most special) and it was so nice. It was strange because when we were sitting with our matchas this insane crew of white people in traditional south asian clothing pulled up in a sus white van and started unpacking all this stuff. half of them were setting up a snack cart?? and the other half were helping this guy strip off his clothes to put on the most silverlake performance artist costume thing you’ve ever seen. we literally could not figure out what it was supposed to be and it was definitely not apart of a south asian culture LMAO. he was literally in a red spandex bodysuit. then all of a sudden a bunch of people who were in fact south asian pulled up, and so stuff stared to make more sense becasue it seemed like a wedding or some family function of sorts. we walked around the entire group of people and we still could not figure out the avant garde costume tho.
whilst we were staring at all of this, this guy pulled up to a table next to us and he had like a beanie on that was pulled down over his head and like i did not think anything of it because i was entranced by the weird performance artists. All of a sudden he starts talking to us, and he was like “im sorry if i look weird or scared you this person hit me on the head with a brick on the bus last week so im using the hat to cover that up” and omfg. i literally did not know what to say i felt so horrible it was so sad. i hope his head is doing better.
but the entire experience with this person felt like i was 15 again on a date with my first girlfriend but it was so much better because i’m no longer 15 and don’t hate myself anymore. I was uninhibited and she let me talk a lot and laughed at all the right times and when she did laugh it was always such a kind and genuine laugh that made you feel like the most funny and important person in the world. I think i have this preference/type for people who are like this... like extremely charistmatic and almost too good at talking and conversating. they always make you feel like you’re the most special thing in the room when they’re talking to you, until you see them talking to someone else with the same care and attention. then you realize that’s just how they are with everyone -- which is beautiful but also sad because you like them and wish they’d save that care and attention just for you, even though that’s not realistic and a selfish desire. its a very bittersweet feeling. She felt like someone that i could make eye contact with across a room, and we’d have a whole world only we knew about all contained in the imaginary space between our eyes. like when someone looks at you and they’re saying 1,000 words without saying anything at all and no one else has any idea about it. but maybe that’s just me projecting though.
she was the kind of person who’s laugh always stood out in a conversation, and to say you knew her made you feel slightly euphoric. I had a lot of self control this week in my feelings for her, because i knew if i didn’t i could be #consumed with infatuation by the 3rd date, which (sadly) never came and would not be healthy. she had this heart of gold that just made me want to do everything for her. like when i think about her its just this mix of gratitude and appreciation for who she is and what she brought to my life even though it was such a short period of time and we literally barely know each other. this is rare for me becasue i am lowkey a pessimistic and sinister bitch to my heart who has a very hard time with forgiveness and “seeing the good” in people, especially after they hurt me emotionally, even if they don’t intend to. but with her it was like ... not hard at all. she is living proof that there are good people out there that aren’t just emotionally manipulative drug and sex addicts. i could see how hard she was trying to figure stuff out and i guess i just have a lot of sympathy for her. im envious of the person who will get to love her properly but i sincerely hope she enjoys being in love for the first time, if it’s what she wants.
im like half employed for this summer so i guess i’ll just bounce around between the hammer museum and unknown second job and fucking around and catching a vibe. im in my reproductive and sexual prime so i would like to take advantage of that by having some fire s*x and my free will. wherever the wind takes me... perhaps to estonia.
eye candy below