So many things have been itching at me. ugh. but i have like no motivation or sense of urgency to do any of it and im like watching myself devolve into becoming a bum. like no summer internship or job or anything. all i wanna do is listen to music and eat snacks and hang out with my friends. idk if its burnout or if its the medication bc i lowkey have no sense of urgency at all. i can tell because im late to class all the time now without a care in the world and i lowkey did not be doing that before the meds. so idk. like its either i kill myself or become a bum i guess. being a bum is only fun right now becasue im supported but like once im in the real world i have to do it all myself and then i cant be a bum or else ill be homeless. bruh. so idk whats up with that. its like distressing because i feel like im becoming a lot more careless/less locked in and i feel extremely guilty about it, but i can’t tell if im just being too hard on myself because i still have As and do my assignments on time and stuff and go to work. so its just this terrible mix of anxiety and guilt that paralyzes me and then i just dont to do anything so i bed rot all day and like cant bring myself to do anything about it. or like maybe im just in a slump and its not that deep.
Kaitlyn inspired me to maybe do a thesis next year for my major. I really want to make a book. the stuff that excites me the most is thinking about creating art. so maybe i will go to grad school idk. im trying to think of stuff that excites me because my future should be fun to think about not scary... the world is my oyster as fuck.
I went to my first like professional conference today and it was nice. everyone was extrmely sweet and chill and i had a nice ass time just hanging out with my cowkorkers becasue im so blessed to have the most amazing sweet funny coworkers ever theyre #lit as fuck. and like i guess its not all bad because i have 3 funcs to play in the next week ish for dj ing so like... that’s making money somehow. idk but i actually need to sit down and practice the mixes more.
despite all this scratching and itchyness and prodding i had a very good week. see evidence below. saw a lot of beautiful plants and people and art and ate much good food. my life is so soft and comfortable and gentle and for that i am so grateful for. I recently got the most insane thrift haul from a goodwill store/bins over the course of 2 days and i legit got an entire new closet for under $80. that made me much happy even though the fly of guilt of spending money has been hovering in my face a little too much recently...
visual evidence for your hungry eyes: