Forgot to take my meds today. not exactly why i acted surprised an hour ago when i broke down about the fact that the past 3 years have been nothing but a slew of failed relationships with people i really liked but that just couldn’t commit to me. turned into a full on pity party that could sell out a stadium arena and would even have a VIP guest list. woe is me. in recent days whenever i cry (which isn’t often anymore) it’s almost always about relationships. i think about all the people that i naively believed in (i believed their kind words and actions), and let myself get carried away with visions of a future that had them in it when i barely even fit into their week. its hard that the rejection or abrupt ending always came after i’d been physically intimate with them. difficult for my body to not internalize this and have a physical reaction -- that i was just there for a shallow, physical purpose to someone else. now that my heart has been forced through the same trope 4 times, its becoming really hard to be optimistic. i know rationally that i believe in love and i believe that my person is making their way to me, but its really really hard to take this belief to heart and have it give me strength. it kind of just fills me with uncertainty and dread and suffering.
As i get older, i just realize more and more how my relationships are the most important thing to me in life. yes i care about what career i’m meant to do, but to love someone (romatically or platonically) is such a radical experience, and that’s what will always be the most fundamentally important thing to me. I want to spend my life feeling, and relationships give you the strongest feeligns that a human being could ever experience. I don’t get why that the universe is making me realize how important this experience is to me, yet not letting me fall in love with anyone. I have so much love to give; its been so many years now. I want to cook for and care for someone in all their wholeness and unsightly habits, and make them feel like when we look at each other, we have this secret world that’s all contained in just our gaze for no one else to ever know about. I want to be there for someone, I want to listen to them. I want to commit my entire life to loving one person, because I know how freely and easily i could do this. it’s so easy for me to love other people. i guess that’s a gift because it means I have a lot of love for myself. but it feels like its just sitting stagnant and slowly going bad because it keeps being shoved in the wrong places. it really really hurts. when it think about how i just can’t seem to find someone right, or that i’m only ever seen as a temporary part of someones life for instant gratification, validation, and pleasure, my chest feels hollow like someone took an ice cream scoop and is digging around in there. i see myself as a lover to my core, and i guess i automatically assume everyone else is wired to do this too, which isn’t true.
so the rotissire chicken rotations in the shower were an attempt to remedy this. i stopped crying halfway through so i guess it did work. I think i like the water so hot because it probably remedies physical affection or something. which is like really pathetic but i kind of signed up for the pathetic olympics when i was given a weighted blanket for my 17th birthday. like damn girl how did your teenage birthdays turn into the people around you offering you self soothing tactics. sigh.
no visual evidence for you eyes today. i feel like trader joes egg section. desolate and obsolete in today’s world.